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The creeps, the skanks, and the rest of em’.

I have often been told throughout life not to judge a book by its cover and I live by that mantra. I do ,however, judge a person by their current profile picture. While “creeping” Facebook for the past three or four years, I have noticed a few warning signs that are now important to my “Facebook friending” process. Here is a list of the top five “no-nos” in a Facebook profile picture:

1. Sunglasses. If a person is wearing sunglasses in most or all of their pictures and especially their main one, alarms should immediately go off. A person’s face can look surprisingly different when they take off the aviators. A person may have incredibly small eyes or have to wear an eye patch. I don’t know about you, but personally an eye patch is a deal breaker. I will befriend a pirate but I could never date one. Sunglasses hide everything from the eyebrows to the top of the nose. This is kind of a key part of the face and I’m personally not willing to risk that key part be deformed in any way. So take off the Ray Bans!

2. Closed-mouth Smiles. Usually in a person’s profile picture, they will have  a picture of themselves smiling and trying to look as decent as possible so that someone, somewhere, will be interested. Because really what is Facebook other than a place to brag, hook up, and post drunk pictures of yourself? Usually the smile will be a big, toothy grin. But beware of people who smile with their mouths closed. In my case, I love straight and white teeth. I have never met a person that has a passionate love for crooked and yellow teeth, but I have an incredible hatred towards jank-ass teeth. Which is exactly the reason why my teeth are covered in wires and brackets. When a person grins in their profile picture it leaves an air of unwanted mystery. Who knows what the hell is under those lips?! I am not willing to take the risk of finding out. If your profile is private and I can’t creep to find out what you are working with in the dental department, I’m going to more than likely hit deny. What if all of their teeth are black?! Or worse, what if there are no teeth!?! Again, that is a risk I am not willing to take. This may all seem very rude or shallow, but don’t act like you don’t think it. You just don’t say it. But don’t worry, I will so that you don’t have to.

3. The Headshot. The face is a really important thing when looking for a Facebook friend that could be a potential love interest. But the face in definitely not the only thing that matters. If someones only pictures are those of them from the neck up, there is a problem. For all we know, they could have NO body. I can’t date just a head! Who can hold hands when there are no hands to hold!? If a person only takes pictures of their face, be wary. Don’t take the “face” in Facebook too literally.

4. Cartoon Characters. Is there anything more annoying on Facebook than someone who’s only profile pictures are cartoons? If you request to add me, I expect to at least see a picture of what you looked like. I would never befriend a person in real life that constantly wore a mask that resembled Pikachu. So I am definitely not going to cyber befriend a person that seems infatuated with Yugio and Pokemon. I wouldn’t date Squirtle so I won’t date YOU!

5. No Profile Picture. Even worse than having a picture of a cat eating spaghetti as your main image, having no image at all is even worse. If you HAVE a face, you should probably show it on your FACEbook. The End. It is as simple as that. If you don’t have a face, I can’t be your friend. Sorry if that seems shallow, but for all I know, you could be a bear.

Overall, these warning signs may seem petty. But this is how I feel and if you don’t like it….choke. Well not really, but read a book next time and not my blog. I hope these guidelines further your Facebook friending experience.

Love Always,

-Zac

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