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“The Penis Workshop”

At Show Choir Camp, you are given the opportunity to work with some of the top clinicians and teachers in all areas of vocal and dance technique. At around one, every afternoon, you are given the chance to pick what “class” you want to attend for that day. For most kids, they choose an activity that suits their interest like going to learn Broadway choreography or learn proper breathing technique. For me, I choose the class that involves as little effort as possible.

You may wonder why I would pay over six-hundred dollars to be lazy for a week when in actuality I do that all summer. But I go for the atmosphere, the people, and the crazy entertainment I get from seven-hundred HOT MESS BITCHES. When I sit down at lunch and browse my schedule choices for that day, I look for the class involving the least amount of movement and the least amount of student participation possible. On occasion, I will actually learn something from these workshops. In between daydreaming about being a cast member of the Real World Las Vegas and searching the room for any form of telling time, I catch a few snippets of knowledge about whatever topic these clinicians are preaching about.

After the grueling task of picking a workshop, I look around to see what other SCA friends are going to the same one. Rule #1 of picking a workshop is making sure that you have someone you know going to the same class. God forbid you go to a class and be forced to dance and sing along to the Rent soundtrack without  a friend there to suffer beside you.

On this certain day, I chose a class called Singing For Sue. This is a class led by one of the two founders of SCA, where random people in the class get up and sing while Sue critiques it and gives constructive criticism. This was definitely an ideal class for many reasons including being able to sit, the ability to judge strangers, and the opportunity watch a bunch of HOT MESS singers try their best to impress the founder of SCA. Because let’s be real, if you know you are good, you aren’t going to need to sing for Sue, and if you suck, Sue isn’t a miracle worker.

As class began and everyone found a spot to sit, I silently prepared myself for the entertainment that I was about to enjoy. It was a win-win situation. If the person was good, I got to listen to amazing music, and if the person was terrible…..I got a little smile and confidence boost.

Sue began the class by giving us an incredibly long speech about vocal stance, technique, and other things I didn’t pay attention to. She then proceeded to talk about microphone technique. I think this woman thought that we had never seen a microphone. She described it, demonstrated using it, and basically told us not to chew on it. Then my friend Maddie Hannan turned to me and whispered a TERRIBLE sentence.

“Every time she says microphone, pretend she is saying ‘penis'”

….

This is where the class got interesting.

Imagine hearing the following sentences but replace the word “microphone” with the word “penis.”

  • Place the microphone a couple inches in front of your face. Never put it so close to your lips that it touches your mouth.
  • Try your hardest not to get spit on the microphone and don’t constantly put your fingers all over it.
  • I know at times the microphone may seem like it gets heavy in your hands. But if one hand get tired or starts to cramp from holding it, switch hands.

I made a fool of myself in front of the founder of Show Choir Camps of America. Every time this woman uttered the word “microphone”, I burst out in obnoxious laughter. I tried every trick in the book to TRY and get myself to stop laughing. I covered my mouth, I pinched myself, and I even bit my finger so hard that I left a mark and bruise. Just when I thought that I was okay and ready to act like a mature sixteen-year-old, she would use the words “microphone” and “lips” in the same sentence. I have never received so many hateful looks in my life.

Thank you Maddie Hannan for ruining my nonexistent friendship with Sue Moninger

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