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That one cheater friend.

If you have ever tried to make a friend feel better about their cheating, you have a friend like mine. The cheater friend is an obvious addition to the group. There are so many upsides to this friend that it is hard to only name a few. The most obvious of the upsides is the fact that her promiscuity makes all the other friends feel like they are somehow better people. Suddenly, because you aren’t cheating on your non-existing-boyfriend, you are Mother freakin’ Theresa. This friend makes you feel as if you have never done anything wrong. You may have hooked up with those two guys on the floor of that restaurant bathroom, but you aren’t cheating on a boyfriend that you don’t have. Consoling the one cheater friend is a constant distraction from your mess of a life.

Another bonus to having a friend who constantly cheats is that they are constantly paranoid, making you less paranoid about your smaller issues. You don’t have the weight of cheating on your shoulders. All you have to worry about is coming up with a million reasons why cheating isn’t bad. You find yourself brainstorming on your ride to Red Lobster about reasons why the other guy screwed your friend over. It makes the cheating friend feel good when you tell her it isn’t COMPLETELY her fault. She needed that intercourse because her current boyfriend is boring and is starting to get acne. It is your duty as a cheaters bestie to console and decrease their pain, even if they did cause it themselves.

There comes a time in a cheater’s life when they hit bottom. One day, if you haven’t already, you will receive a text or a phone call from your friend. Neither forms of communication will be intelligible, due to the tear filled eyes and various gasps/loss of breath. Once your friend is calmed down enough to actually say or type out a message, you will learn that her former boyfriend dumped her. He obviously dumped her because she cheated on him and this concept is strangely unreasonable to the cheater. She can’t possibly see how he found out and even if she does know, she refuses to believe that didn’t take every possible measure to ensure that this didn’t happen, other than not cheating on him in the first place. Suddenly this becomes a war between the cheater and the asshole who told her boyfriend. Whether this tattle-tale distributed this information through phone call, text, or note, ALL are unforgivable and the repercussions are grave. Expect the cheater to do everything but murder this canary. That will be the last thing that bitch ever sings.

Now, after the knock-out drag-out, it is time to mend the pieces of their broken relationship. Sometimes things are too broken to fix but sometimes the boyfriend is stupid and takes her back. Sadly, this makes the boyfriend look like an idiot, but it definitely good for your friendship with the cheater. Fool him once, shame on you, fool him and twice and he takes you back, be more sneaky.

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