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The one with the pregnant toddlers in tiaras.

Recently, I have found it hard to squeeze in the approx. 30 minutes that it takes to write a blog. Because of this, I also have missed my favorite television shows. Most of these shows just happen to be on one of two channels, BRAVO or TLC. These two channels are the beacon for all television programs. CNN can’t even touch Real Housewives of New Jersey. How do you compare flipping a table to Nancy Grace? You can’t. Table flipping wins every time.

Another television show that I have missed lately is the educational program, Toddlers & Tiaras. This is television at it’s finest. The premise is simple, little girls, dressed in thirty-pound gowns, are fed pixie stix,filled with nicotine, in order to win trophies and tiaras. What is interesting about the show is the difference in the moms. Some mothers are very strict about not putting makeup on their daughters and going “all natural.” Other moms, and my personal favorite mothers, are strong believers in doing whatever they have to do to help their daughter win. No extremity is too much. Lather those babies up in tanning lotion, cover their heads in eighty-pounds of hair extensions, and give them a Lady Gaga routine complete with tiny metal nipple claps…this is how you win a toddler pageant. Competition is rough.

Toddlers & Tiaras, although a very entertaining show, can not compare to my all-time-favorite TLC program. I DIDN’T KNOW I WAS PREGNANT. This is the motherload….literally.

There are so many highlights to this show that to type them all out would take years. The most entertaining thing about this show is that these women usually show ALL signs of being pregnant…..and STILL have no flippin’ clue HOW they could possibly be with child. This isn’t a medical issue, it’s an intelligence issue. Usually they start out with the expecting mother telling her story, but it quickly cuts to the reenactment. This is where the entertainment starts. The actors that play these people are usually a lot prettier than the actual people. It’s basically male models wearing mullet wigs and runway models with a pillow stuck in their shirts. Why is it that the actual mother has four teeth and the reenactment model just did a commercial for Colgate? I want realism here!

What astounds me the most is the fact that these women have no clue that they are pregnant. Half the time, they have already had one or more children. They know the routine.

To all expecting mothers:

Here is a list of some warning signs of pregnancy. This is to make sure that you don’t end up embarrassing yourself on national television and announcing to your unborn child that he was born on the toilet.

1. Morning Sickness. If you are puking, it may actually be from the Hot Pockets you had last night. But to be sure, go to CVS and buy a pregnancy test. The twenty dollars is well worth the embarrassment you will save yourself and your unborn child.

2. Weight Gain. Your belly is not getting abnormally hard and round because you had too much asian takeout. You didn’t accidentally swallow a watermelon seed. Wake up bitch! You are pregnant.

3. Pregnancy Test. Lastly, if you take a pregnancy test and the little stick that you just peed on states that you are indeed pregnant. YOU ARE PROBABLY PREGNANT. End of story. But, if you have still refuse to believe the facts, go to a doctor and have a medical professional tell you the same news that a twenty-dollar plastic stick just told you.

I hope the above list helps you with your future or current pregnancy questions. What I find the most sickening and hilarious is this: the mothers on “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” are the future mothers feeding their daughters crack and tanning oil on “Toddlers &Tiaras.” TLC gives the whole entire life cycle of nutty bitches. This is why I tune in once a week.

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