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Harry Potter and the PreTeen Obsessionists Part 2

After recouping from the midnight premiere of the final Harry Potter film, I finally have wiped away the tears long enough to write about this tragic loss. First of all let me say, the final film was amazing. I can officially say that it is the first midnight premiere that I haven’t fallen asleep during. I was on the edge of my seat and digging through the bottom of my Buncha-Crunch box during the entire thing.

What I still find perplexing about these films is the lack of magic that they actually use. Of course they use spells when they are fighting, but what about when they are doing everything else? If I was a wizard, I would never tie my shoes, open a door, or move my own body. I would use that floating spell that they learned in wizard kindergarten to lift my ass into the kitchen so that I could make a bag of Funyons float right into my mouth. Hell, I don’t know if I would swallow without using a spell. Magic is a gift, sort of like breaking your leg and being able to use the wheelchair button to open the door. How many people do you see trying to open the door when there is a perfectly good button that does it for you? Magic is like sexual organs, if you don’t use them, you lose them.

The thing that I hate most about big movie premieres like Harry Potter is the lines. There is nothing worse than being stuck in between fanatics of a wizard genre. Some people are about to defecate their pants thinking about what is going to happen. Listen lady, you have already read the book so many times that the pages are coming out, you know that Harry lives, put away your Depends and act like the mature forty-year-old that you are. If you aren’t stuck by the shitting elderly, you are stuck next to the braces clad preteens dressed like their favorite character. Ok, I get it, you are desperate to be a wizard, so much so that as I stare at you, you are attempting spells to make this line go faster, but really….get a hobby. More specifically, get a hobby not based around the mythical world of a skeleton-like thirty-year-old british lady.

Overall, the movie was great. The atmosphere could have been a bit more comfortable but sometimes you have to squeeze through seven-hundred teenagers dressed in cloaks and sweater vests to get the full “feeling” of Harry Potter. Harry Potter is over and unless J.K. Rowling runs out of money to support her tea addiction, we may never see a Harry Potter movie ever again. Luckily we still have the ugly step-sister to the wizard world, Twilight.


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