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True Life: I’m abuse my cell phone

My cell phone is my baby. It is a shitty lil’ piece of poo, but just like mothers love their kids when they are obviously ugly, I love my lil tike as well. A cell phone can bring so much joy into someone’s life. Instead of giving kids in Haiti nourishment packets, give em’ all a blackberry. They would feel so important and established in life. Haitian kids don’t need food when they can BBM the hut next door.

Text messaging is life support. You can’t deny the joy and sense of mystery you feel when your phone vibrates. I’m not talking about when you are in a conversation with someone. I am talking about when you are sitting on the couch eating a bowl of ice cream while watching Bridezillas and all of a sudden….you feel a vibration. “Who could be texting me? I haven’t texted anyone all day.” Suddenly you feel like a food stamp at the IGA; everyone wants you.

While your phone can bring you an abundance of joy, it can also bring you a roller coaster of other emotions. Here are a few:

Anxious: When you see that the little wheel on your Verizon phone is “connecting” and you know that you are receiving a picture message. Outside you are calm but inside you are screaming, “Oh shit. If this is a guy naked I am going to freak. Who would be sending me nudes on a Wednesday afternoon? What if someone looks over my shoulder and see that I am looking at a dick pic?! Is it illegal if I just receive the message?”

Depressed: When you get out of the shower to find that you don’t have a single text or missed call. After building up all that hope in the shower that maybe someone had texted you while you were showering, you were let down by every single one of your contacts. Does anyone want to talk to you? The shower is the perfect place to miss a call because if you didn’t want to talk to them you can just ignore it and if it’s a potential suitor, well you are winning by not answering him/her right away. But unfortunately for you, no one wanted to talk to your lame ass.

Surprised: When you accidentally purchase fourteen ringtones. For anyone that has a shitty touch screen, you probably have had this problem. I was shocked when I got my cell phone bill to find that I had purchased ringtones to almost every single one of Alicia Keys’ albums. Sorry Alicia, you aren’t worth $34.95.

Anger: When you look through your text messages and realize that he takes approximately thirty-four-minutes to respond back and you respond within the same minute that he sent his message. This brings on a feeling of anger and desperation. Life’s a bitch sometimes and our cell phones highlight it.

Cell phones are precious to all of us and just like our soon to be or already born children, we love them through the good and the bad….even if sometimes we throw them against walls or put them in the freezer. Luckily for us, there isn’t a Cell Phone Protective Services. Our asses would be sitting behind a pair of thick bars getting massaged by a woman named Earl.


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