Recently, while talking to one of my best friends, she began to describe her childhood and her experiences growing up as “the fat kid.” What she told me was one of the most honest accounts of being fat that I have ever heard. Before you start to think that this is going to be a sappy story about body image and how it’s really the inside that counts, think again. Luckily, my best friend is hilarious and not someone who pities herself or others around her. I decided to write her observations because they are both truthful and hilarious. So, if you think making fun of fat kids is mean, go to www.jennycraig.com and stop reading this while sitting on your couch eating Ben & Jerry’s and watching Cake Boss.
This is a collection of my best friends observations about the overweight. Don’t feel guilty when you laugh.
1. Why is it that during elementary school games, the fat kid ALWAYS has to go chase whatever ball rolls away? During four-square, even if the fat kid didn’t bounce the ball out of the square, the little fatty always has to waddle/run over to the ball that a little skinny bitch (purposely) threw out of the square. Adolescent fatties are always forced to catch whatever ball the skinnies decide to throw. Though I am not a historian, I believe that these very games are what drove skinny bitches to throw balls at grown up high school fatty-cakes. Once the fat kids decided that they weren’t going to retrieve ANY ball that a skinny kid threw, it was then decided that balls would just be thrown directly at the fatty. If the fatties of the world had just continued to retrieve balls that the skinny bitches threw, the skinnies would have eventually gotten bored and moved on to…..I don’t know…people in wheelchairs. A fat kids impatience is what led to their high school torment.
2. Watching a fat kid fall is an awkward moment for all involved. Think back to your childhood, or maybe a few days ago, and try to remember a time when you have watched a fat kid fall. Because of their obvious padding, it isn’t the harm of the fatty that we are worried about. Watching a fat kid fall is equivalent to watching a kid in wheel chair roll down stairs. Where is a fat kids dignity after they face plant into the gym floor? What if the gym floor cracks? It is an all-around awkward moment and should be avoided at all times.
3. While all playground equipment is awkward for the fat kid, the most obvious is the teeter-totter. Unless two fatties board a teeter-totter together, hilarity ensues. While watching this occur, I feel bad for both children. The fat kid is forced to sit on the ground with their legs crouched. The fatty has no other choice but to stare up at the little skinny hoe that they have propelled into the air with their fat ass.
4. When complimenting the fat kid about her body type….just don’t. Skinny people have a way of using compliments that sound nice at first, but then make you look like an asshole. For example, saying that a fat kids body is like a pillow…is not a compliment. People sleep on pillows, why don’t you just say that the fat kid reminds you of your Serta mattress? This leads me to laying on fatties. Sometimes if your best friend or significant other is a fatty-cake, you end up laying on their lap. Never say that they feel like a water bed. Saying that your bestie feels like a squishy, watery piece of rubber, is not complimentary and not appreciated by the average fatty.
5. Watching a fat kid eat is possibly the most awkward event you can watch a fatty participate in. For a skinny person, it is a hard decision on whether to stare intently, or pretend that you don’t see it happening. A happy medium is always the best path to take. The most awkward observation I have noticed about certain fatties, is that they attempt to eat so delicately. We all know that they want to shove that plate down their throat and moan in accomplishment, but yet they force themselves to eat like Princess Diana.
In conclusion, there are many hilarious things about the fat kid. While these observations may seem mean-spirited, please remember that these came straight from my best friend…a fat kid. Others mope about their weight and try to hide behind it. Skinny people can be just as awkward. If you didn’t laugh while reading this, you take things too seriously. If you can’t laugh at everything, you shouldn’t laugh at anything.