While dinosaurs roamed the Earth, somewhere in a distant cave, a simple (gay) caveman sat and perfected “the jazz hand.” This was the beginning stages of what is now known as show choir. While other cavemen were creating wheels out of boulders and slingshots out of pebbles, a more fabulous hairy man created the most popularized teenage art form. To simplify things, we will call this caveman Tony. Tony the gay caveman.
While sitting in a dark cave in the midst of the Jurassic Period, Tony mapped out all of the basics to a great show choir. Tony would never know that one day his dreams would become a reality. After sketching his plans on the walls of his damp cave, Tony fell asleep. Dreams of accomplishment surely filled the head of this simple-minded caveman.
Unfortunately, that same night, another (straight) caveman killed poor Tony. Supposedly a little inappropriate touching had occurred near the watering hole.
Nevertheless, Tony’s dreams had seemed to die with him. The world would never know of Tony’s accomplishments and the embellished dreams that filled his head…
…until the 70s.
While studying the hieroglyphics of the Jurassic Period, scientists uncovered Tony’s drawings. It seemed that a deceased (gay) caveman would finally reach his goals. Unfortunately these old and wrinkly scientists didn’t care for Tony’s sketches and disregarded their importance. Tony’s dreams were photographed, documented, and then stuffed into a dusty box to sit on shelves next to skulls and fossils.
It seemed that Tony’s vision would never be seen by anyone of importance.
Then came a wave of change…the 80s.
With changing fashion and music, Tony’s dream couldn’t have found a better home. While two stoned party kids perused the shelves of an abandoned science lab, they came across a rare piece of history. These two stoners looked at the maps of Tony’s dreams and saw their potential. It took marijuana and theft to breathe life into show choir.
Luckily these two kids happened to have very influential friends. After describing Tony’s plans to a group of young hipsters, it was decided that this dream had to become a reality. This was the moment in history that show choir became what it is today. Sadly nothing has changed since this group of burnouts interpreted Tony’s drawings.
It was decided that all women in show choir must have gravity-defying hair. This was established after interpreting a picture of a woman with her hair in flames. Only one thing can turn a woman’s head into a barbecue, hairspray. Sequins were determined to be the symbol of this newly formed art. Unfortunately Tony wanted to cover the girls in glass, luckily the 80s brought us a safer option. The last thing that Tony’s drawings revealed about show choir was that words must never be sung as they appear. Thus, in show choir, the word “I” is always “Ah.” This wasn’t actually in Tony’s original idea…it was just how cavemen talked.
After creating the first show choir, these stoners were quickly forgotten. Schools all across the midwest caught on to the trend and then it spread even further. Soon schools from California decided that their shows would consist of elaborate costumes and themes that even the directors themselves didn’t understand. The show GLEE brought show choir to every home in America.
This portrayal of show choir wasn’t exactly what Tony had originally dreamed, but he can’t exactly complain. Thanks to Tony, teens all across America now know what a “jazz square” is before they get “the sex talk.”