For Christmas this year, I was delighted when I woke up to find that Santa had brought me the Princess and the Frog movie and soundtrack. If you know me, you obviously know that Princess Tatiana (or as some say incorrectly, Tiana) is my favorite princess and my favorite Disney character. What is it about her that brightens my day and fills me with glee? Is it her sweet melodic voice that sounds as if Whitney Houston and Queen Latifa had a love child? Is it her never-ending longing to become an entrepreneur and create her own restaurant in memory of her dead father? OR…is it her dark, ebony skin and tight bun? I may never know what makes Tatiana so damn irresistible, but I CAN tell you why no other Disney princess makes the cut.
Ariel: To begin with, Ariel lives under the sea. That girl probably smells like a mixture of Long John Silvers and tuna. No wonder her only friends were a crab and a chubby fish. Ariel’s ambitions consisted of finding a husband with legs instead of fins and collecting as many sporks and music boxes as her coral closet could hold. In short, Ariel was a smelly, hoarding fire crotch.
Belle: Although Belle is idolized by many little girls, when one takes a closer look,there are a few alarming details to her story. For instance, like one of those rape victims on CNN, Belle fell in love with the creature that kept her in captivity. The Beast locked her in a dungeon and in return, Belle fell in love with him. Belle turned out to be nothing more than an average-looking brunette who fell in love with her rapist dog.
Mulan: While I am a supporter of an asian princess, I am not a supporter of a cross-dressing asian princess. For half of the movie, Mulan dances around dressed as a man. A princess dressed as a dude? No thanks.
Cinderella: As the most recognized princess, Cinderella still holds the top chair in the hierarchy of princess-hood. Cinderella is basically the Tony Soprano of a princess mafia. But what exactly did she do to earn that title? Is she the only blonde (Regina George) princess? Nope. Is she the only princess who talked to animals? Nope. Basically, Cinderella was a poor-ass slave for her bitchin’ stepmom. Cinderella definitely doesn’t deserve her Regina Soprano title.
Aurora: This bitch was asleep for most of the movie. Lame.
Snow White: As the first princess, you would think she would be the original Head Bitch in Charge. However, Snow White was the queen of midgets and, like that dumbass Aurora, was asleep for part of the movie. You can’t fall asleep at the Little People Big World’s house and call yourself a princess. Owning elves just means you’re Santa…not royalty.
As you can clearly see, Princess Tatiana reigns supreme in this collection of schizos and neuroleptics. I will never know how the Disney writers came up with such a group of nutbags. Oh wait, yah I do. It’s all thanks to a little girl named Mary Jane.