Dance Motha’s Gone Wild

During this week’s episode of Dance Moms, we learned that Abby Lee Miller is the ringleader of a boozed-out, botoxed, mean girl group of stage mothers.

For those of you that have never seen the show, it revolves around the Abby Lee Miller Dance Company. This dance company consists of a group of ten girls who have a combined total of twelve teeth because they basically all refuse to get braces. Apparently braces off-balance a twelve-year-old dancers composition.

While the dancers are entertaining by themselves, the real drama starts when you look at the cracked-out moms. Every week at least one mom flips her shit because Abby psychologically mind-screws their daughter.

You would think that the moms would simply switch dance companies, but alas, either for the exposure or the thrill, each week the moms stick it out to prepare for a dance competition at the end of the week. Most dance groups practice their dance routines for at least a couple of weeks, but not Abby Lee Miller’s girls. They have three days to practice a routine.

This week on Dance Moms, the dance company traveled to a competition where a fellow mom’s dance company was also competing. Instead of giving you a run down of all the events, I will break it down by each mom.

Kendall’s Mom – As the newest member of the Abby Lee Miller Dance Company, this was Kendall’s week to prove herself. Her mom, Jill, has a face filled with latex and the personality of a Beverly Hills Real Housewife. Jill had a rough week with the fellow moms. Unfortunately, as the newbie, she was due for a little bit of hazing. With a scene straight out of Mean Girls, the moms encouraged Jill to confront Abby about the pressure that her daughter had to endure. As you can imagine, this confrontation ended with Abby breathing fire and Jill’s face melting.

Cathy – Cathy is the owner of Candy Apples Dance Team and a rival to every single dance mom affiliated with Abby Lee Miller. Every episode, the Candy Apples attempt to win any solo or group number and fail every time. This week was no different. Cathy’s thirty-year-old dancers entered the twelve to thirteen age division and lost. That fur-wearing bitch was defeated once again.

Kelly – This is the mom with the teased hair and the acrobat kid. Every episode she gets drunk and cries. The only difference in this episode was that Abby called her out for it. Apparently getting drunk and taking your daughter to dance class is no longer accepted in the dance field.

Big-nosed mom – I don’t remember her name, but I do remember her nose. This week, she wore Ralph Lauren, convinced poor little plastic surgery mom to confront Abby, and bitched about her daughter having to wear things called “rats” and “snoods”…whatever the hell those things are.

Abby – This week, Abby was her normal, crazy self. She yelled at the bus driver, counted numbers loudly, and told the moms that they were drunks, idiots, and failures at “finding matching snoods.” Just an average week for Ms. Abby Lee Miller.

This week was filled with tears, trophies, and tons of “rats and snoods.” The lesson I learned this week: Don’t fuck with Abby Lee Miller and “dance like you want a puppy.”

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